Anti- Rape
Christine Stark
meetings are on the fourth floor of the union in room 402 umm Tuesdays that's today at 4:30 Thanks I say to the woman behind the info desk take a bite out of my black cherry ice cream cone half a frozen cherry falls on my boot I fling it off it lands on the back of some man's pant leg he doesn't notice Oops someone says I look over at a woman with short brown hair sticking up all over she smiles at me shrugs her shoulders walks by me then by the man goes up the union stairs two at a time
I run up the first part of the stairs as fast as I can the dealer who raped me might be able to see me from the Rathskellar Irene says it's important for me to go to the union to not let the dealer take it away from me but I still run by the Rathskellar I stop at the first landing slip my backpack over both shoulders and run up the rest like the woman with the short hair I want to follow her want to be her friend doubt she would think the stupid boy bands were cool I push open the door to room 402 stop like someone smacked me the woman with short hair is sitting at a table I walk in I am nervous don't know any of these people or what they do Irene said I should check out a campus group that organizes against rape Hey I say slip my backpack off one shoulder the woman looks into my eyes smiles Hi she says puts down a piece of paperare you here for the anti-rape task force meeting Yeah I say frog in my throat I sound like an adolescent boy My name's Chara she stands holds out her hand Thanks I say I mean hi I shake her hand Sit down she says the rest of the women will be here in a few minutes I let the backpack fall onto the floor sit down in a metal chair Here's a flyer about our latest protest Chara says slides a piece of paper to me her voice flows like water running down a sink smooth like it knows exactly where it's going Do you have a name she says No I say surprised to hear myself say no what an idiot! of course I have a name but she doesn't say anything just nods her head waits for me to finish reading the flyer
Say No to Playboy in the union and at the libraries! Say No to sex discrimination on campus Join the Anti-Rape Task Force for a sit in at Chancellor Shalala's office Tuesday September 11 noon I put the paper down look at Chara What do you think she says the door opens three women in jeans and t-shirts walk in yelling at each other Chara can you believe her one of them says points her finger at another one she is so full of shit the other woman pushes the woman talking they laugh sit down around the table I never said that That's exactly what you said and don't try to get out of it I listen to them feel like I like them they remind me of the girls I used to play sports with in high school loud and obnoxious Chara says I don't get in the middle of their quarrels they're fraternal triplets Uh huh I say We have a new member Chara says Yeah the other women say one of them pounds on the table
more women walk in the door short hair shoulder length curly hair shiny round faces sit down talk to each other complain about professors the BGH level in the ice cream sold on campus the progressive student organization's sexism the chancellor who is a sell out ROTC on campus Playboy's campus tour the proposal for a new fraternity I don't know what they're talking about I feel stupid and afraid wish I hadn't come don't know what any of this has to do with me getting raped on the beach by that drug dealer All right Chara says slams her palm on the table time for the meeting to come to order everyone quiets down except for two of the triplets Natalie and Jessica please Chara says Sorry Right sorry they say one of them pushes the other one she laughs then they both laugh Chara rolls her eyes Dana isn't here but we have to start without her Oh why one of the triplets says laughs Geez someone else says enough already the door opens everyone turns a tall dark complected white woman with long dark hair walks in wavesHeya sorry I'm late she says I freeze for a second think it's Patty my best friend from junior high who disappeared somehow here at school Dana someone says it's not Patty Heya Dana smiles waves again sits down next to me nods at Chara All right Chara says down to business first fundraising then the play then anti-sexual assault awareness week activities then our sit in at the chancellor's office YeahDana says makes a fist the sit in I can't wait for that
2 4 6 8
who do we want to berate Dana says under her breath laughs shakes a poster in the air yells impeach Shah lay la cameras snap pictures of her standing on the steps of Bascom Hall Yeah she makes a fist her long hair bounces around her shoulders she is beautiful the entire crowd yells Playboy off campus now! drums bang cops stand on either side of the crowd mostly women some men yelling fists in the air chantingNo more rape rags! one of the triplets told me how Playboy encourages rape and incest and wife beating I start to yell too shake my fist Playboy off campus now! Refund Women's Transit! one of the other women told me how Donna Shalala the Chancellor cut funding for Women's Transit because she said it discriminated against men Shah lay la's a sell out! I hear my own voice toads fling out my mouth hop down the steps around the people jump across Bascom Hill toward the lake the drums get louder people start screaming all the TV stations are here Dana steps up on a silver railing yells over the top of everyone Time to take over her office the drums bang Dana marches up the stairs we follow her two cops stand in front of the door their arms crossed over their chests Dana doesn't pause walks between them opens the double door we follow chanting shouting yelling beating drums I feel strong I watch Dana shouting fists in the air she's how I imagine Patty would be I want to be like her we march up the stairs people in the hall look surprised get out of our way Dana stops at a door bangs on it tries to open it It's locked she yells kicks at the doors turns to one of the triplets says something the triplet runs away Sha lay lay off campus now we chant Dana pounds on the door it opens people cheer clap drums beat Let's occupy Chara says we fill Shalala's office the secretary leaves her desk goes into a room a woman I don't know with bushy brown hair tries to open the door the secretary ran through Locked she slaps her thigh Hush someone says then someone says Shhh then everyone says Shhh no more drums just 40 people saying Shhh we sit down slowly until we're on our knees then our butts then slap the floor with our palms Shhh pad pad pad Shhh pad pad pad someone starts saying We have demands we want to see Shalala Shalala Shalalathen everyone starts saying We have demands we want to see Shalala Shalala Shalala pad pad pad We have demands we want to see Shalala Shalala Shalala pad pad pad Dana stands up in the middle pulls a piece of paper out of her back pocket unfolds it says We the women and men against sexism racism and homophobia on the University of Wisconsin campus demand that Playboy be taken off the unions' shelves and out of the libraries we also demand that the university take steps so that Playboy staff cannot recruit on campus furthermore we demand to meet with Chancellor Donna Shalala someone yells She's a sell out dyke Dana looks up then continues We demand to meet with Chancellor Donna Shalala about the skyrocketing rate of campus assaults and rapes and her treacherous decision to cut funding to Women's Transit I think about what happened on the beach rock back on my heels stand up Yeah I shout raise my fist Stop rape now Shah lay la Shah lay la Shah lay la pad pad pad Dana looks at me smiles Chara stands up steps over to Dana grabs her waist then her head I see her white fingers in Dana's dark hair they kiss right there in the Chancellor's office in the middle of forty people Dana and Chara kiss then other women jump up kiss each other drums beating palms pad pad padding the floor people chanting Donna Donna come out of the closet I rock back on my heels think I know who I am
I run up the first part of the stairs as fast as I can the dealer who raped me might be able to see me from the Rathskellar Irene says it's important for me to go to the union to not let the dealer take it away from me but I still run by the Rathskellar I stop at the first landing slip my backpack over both shoulders and run up the rest like the woman with the short hair I want to follow her want to be her friend doubt she would think the stupid boy bands were cool I push open the door to room 402 stop like someone smacked me the woman with short hair is sitting at a table I walk in I am nervous don't know any of these people or what they do Irene said I should check out a campus group that organizes against rape Hey I say slip my backpack off one shoulder the woman looks into my eyes smiles Hi she says puts down a piece of paperare you here for the anti-rape task force meeting Yeah I say frog in my throat I sound like an adolescent boy My name's Chara she stands holds out her hand Thanks I say I mean hi I shake her hand Sit down she says the rest of the women will be here in a few minutes I let the backpack fall onto the floor sit down in a metal chair Here's a flyer about our latest protest Chara says slides a piece of paper to me her voice flows like water running down a sink smooth like it knows exactly where it's going Do you have a name she says No I say surprised to hear myself say no what an idiot! of course I have a name but she doesn't say anything just nods her head waits for me to finish reading the flyer
Say No to Playboy in the union and at the libraries! Say No to sex discrimination on campus Join the Anti-Rape Task Force for a sit in at Chancellor Shalala's office Tuesday September 11 noon I put the paper down look at Chara What do you think she says the door opens three women in jeans and t-shirts walk in yelling at each other Chara can you believe her one of them says points her finger at another one she is so full of shit the other woman pushes the woman talking they laugh sit down around the table I never said that That's exactly what you said and don't try to get out of it I listen to them feel like I like them they remind me of the girls I used to play sports with in high school loud and obnoxious Chara says I don't get in the middle of their quarrels they're fraternal triplets Uh huh I say We have a new member Chara says Yeah the other women say one of them pounds on the table
more women walk in the door short hair shoulder length curly hair shiny round faces sit down talk to each other complain about professors the BGH level in the ice cream sold on campus the progressive student organization's sexism the chancellor who is a sell out ROTC on campus Playboy's campus tour the proposal for a new fraternity I don't know what they're talking about I feel stupid and afraid wish I hadn't come don't know what any of this has to do with me getting raped on the beach by that drug dealer All right Chara says slams her palm on the table time for the meeting to come to order everyone quiets down except for two of the triplets Natalie and Jessica please Chara says Sorry Right sorry they say one of them pushes the other one she laughs then they both laugh Chara rolls her eyes Dana isn't here but we have to start without her Oh why one of the triplets says laughs Geez someone else says enough already the door opens everyone turns a tall dark complected white woman with long dark hair walks in wavesHeya sorry I'm late she says I freeze for a second think it's Patty my best friend from junior high who disappeared somehow here at school Dana someone says it's not Patty Heya Dana smiles waves again sits down next to me nods at Chara All right Chara says down to business first fundraising then the play then anti-sexual assault awareness week activities then our sit in at the chancellor's office YeahDana says makes a fist the sit in I can't wait for that
2 4 6 8
who do we want to berate Dana says under her breath laughs shakes a poster in the air yells impeach Shah lay la cameras snap pictures of her standing on the steps of Bascom Hall Yeah she makes a fist her long hair bounces around her shoulders she is beautiful the entire crowd yells Playboy off campus now! drums bang cops stand on either side of the crowd mostly women some men yelling fists in the air chantingNo more rape rags! one of the triplets told me how Playboy encourages rape and incest and wife beating I start to yell too shake my fist Playboy off campus now! Refund Women's Transit! one of the other women told me how Donna Shalala the Chancellor cut funding for Women's Transit because she said it discriminated against men Shah lay la's a sell out! I hear my own voice toads fling out my mouth hop down the steps around the people jump across Bascom Hill toward the lake the drums get louder people start screaming all the TV stations are here Dana steps up on a silver railing yells over the top of everyone Time to take over her office the drums bang Dana marches up the stairs we follow her two cops stand in front of the door their arms crossed over their chests Dana doesn't pause walks between them opens the double door we follow chanting shouting yelling beating drums I feel strong I watch Dana shouting fists in the air she's how I imagine Patty would be I want to be like her we march up the stairs people in the hall look surprised get out of our way Dana stops at a door bangs on it tries to open it It's locked she yells kicks at the doors turns to one of the triplets says something the triplet runs away Sha lay lay off campus now we chant Dana pounds on the door it opens people cheer clap drums beat Let's occupy Chara says we fill Shalala's office the secretary leaves her desk goes into a room a woman I don't know with bushy brown hair tries to open the door the secretary ran through Locked she slaps her thigh Hush someone says then someone says Shhh then everyone says Shhh no more drums just 40 people saying Shhh we sit down slowly until we're on our knees then our butts then slap the floor with our palms Shhh pad pad pad Shhh pad pad pad someone starts saying We have demands we want to see Shalala Shalala Shalalathen everyone starts saying We have demands we want to see Shalala Shalala Shalala pad pad pad We have demands we want to see Shalala Shalala Shalala pad pad pad Dana stands up in the middle pulls a piece of paper out of her back pocket unfolds it says We the women and men against sexism racism and homophobia on the University of Wisconsin campus demand that Playboy be taken off the unions' shelves and out of the libraries we also demand that the university take steps so that Playboy staff cannot recruit on campus furthermore we demand to meet with Chancellor Donna Shalala someone yells She's a sell out dyke Dana looks up then continues We demand to meet with Chancellor Donna Shalala about the skyrocketing rate of campus assaults and rapes and her treacherous decision to cut funding to Women's Transit I think about what happened on the beach rock back on my heels stand up Yeah I shout raise my fist Stop rape now Shah lay la Shah lay la Shah lay la pad pad pad Dana looks at me smiles Chara stands up steps over to Dana grabs her waist then her head I see her white fingers in Dana's dark hair they kiss right there in the Chancellor's office in the middle of forty people Dana and Chara kiss then other women jump up kiss each other drums beating palms pad pad padding the floor people chanting Donna Donna come out of the closet I rock back on my heels think I know who I am
meetings are on the fourth floor of the union in room 402 umm Tuesdays that's today at 4:30 Thanks I say to the woman behind the info desk take a bite out of my black cherry ice cream cone half a frozen cherry falls on my boot I fling it off it lands on the back of some man's pant leg he doesn't notice Oops someone says I look over at a woman with short brown hair sticking up all over she smiles at me shrugs her shoulders walks by me then by the man goes up the union stairs two at a time
I run up the first part of the stairs as fast as I can the dealer who raped me might be able to see me from the Rathskellar Irene says it's important for me to go to the union to not let the dealer take it away from me but I still run by the Rathskellar I stop at the first landing slip my backpack over both shoulders and run up the rest like the woman with the short hair I want to follow her want to be her friend doubt she would think the stupid boy bands were cool I push open the door to room 402 stop like someone smacked me the woman with short hair is sitting at a table I walk in I am nervous don't know any of these people or what they do Irene said I should check out a campus group that organizes against rape Hey I say slip my backpack off one shoulder the woman looks into my eyes smiles Hi she says puts down a piece of paperare you here for the anti-rape task force meeting Yeah I say frog in my throat I sound like an adolescent boy My name's Chara she stands holds out her hand Thanks I say I mean hi I shake her hand Sit down she says the rest of the women will be here in a few minutes I let the backpack fall onto the floor sit down in a metal chair Here's a flyer about our latest protest Chara says slides a piece of paper to me her voice flows like water running down a sink smooth like it knows exactly where it's going Do you have a name she says No I say surprised to hear myself say no what an idiot! of course I have a name but she doesn't say anything just nods her head waits for me to finish reading the flyer
Say No to Playboy in the union and at the libraries! Say No to sex discrimination on campus Join the Anti-Rape Task Force for a sit in at Chancellor Shalala's office Tuesday September 11 noon I put the paper down look at Chara What do you think she says the door opens three women in jeans and t-shirts walk in yelling at each other Chara can you believe her one of them says points her finger at another one she is so full of shit the other woman pushes the woman talking they laugh sit down around the table I never said that That's exactly what you said and don't try to get out of it I listen to them feel like I like them they remind me of the girls I used to play sports with in high school loud and obnoxious Chara says I don't get in the middle of their quarrels they're fraternal triplets Uh huh I say We have a new member Chara says Yeah the other women say one of them pounds on the table
more women walk in the door short hair shoulder length curly hair shiny round faces sit down talk to each other complain about professors the BGH level in the ice cream sold on campus the progressive student organization's sexism the chancellor who is a sell out ROTC on campus Playboy's campus tour the proposal for a new fraternity I don't know what they're talking about I feel stupid and afraid wish I hadn't come don't know what any of this has to do with me getting raped on the beach by that drug dealer All right Chara says slams her palm on the table time for the meeting to come to order everyone quiets down except for two of the triplets Natalie and Jessica please Chara says Sorry Right sorry they say one of them pushes the other one she laughs then they both laugh Chara rolls her eyes Dana isn't here but we have to start without her Oh why one of the triplets says laughs Geez someone else says enough already the door opens everyone turns a tall dark complected white woman with long dark hair walks in wavesHeya sorry I'm late she says I freeze for a second think it's Patty my best friend from junior high who disappeared somehow here at school Dana someone says it's not Patty Heya Dana smiles waves again sits down next to me nods at Chara All right Chara says down to business first fundraising then the play then anti-sexual assault awareness week activities then our sit in at the chancellor's office YeahDana says makes a fist the sit in I can't wait for that
2 4 6 8
who do we want to berate Dana says under her breath laughs shakes a poster in the air yells impeach Shah lay la cameras snap pictures of her standing on the steps of Bascom Hall Yeah she makes a fist her long hair bounces around her shoulders she is beautiful the entire crowd yells Playboy off campus now! drums bang cops stand on either side of the crowd mostly women some men yelling fists in the air chantingNo more rape rags! one of the triplets told me how Playboy encourages rape and incest and wife beating I start to yell too shake my fist Playboy off campus now! Refund Women's Transit! one of the other women told me how Donna Shalala the Chancellor cut funding for Women's Transit because she said it discriminated against men Shah lay la's a sell out! I hear my own voice toads fling out my mouth hop down the steps around the people jump across Bascom Hill toward the lake the drums get louder people start screaming all the TV stations are here Dana steps up on a silver railing yells over the top of everyone Time to take over her office the drums bang Dana marches up the stairs we follow her two cops stand in front of the door their arms crossed over their chests Dana doesn't pause walks between them opens the double door we follow chanting shouting yelling beating drums I feel strong I watch Dana shouting fists in the air she's how I imagine Patty would be I want to be like her we march up the stairs people in the hall look surprised get out of our way Dana stops at a door bangs on it tries to open it It's locked she yells kicks at the doors turns to one of the triplets says something the triplet runs away Sha lay lay off campus now we chant Dana pounds on the door it opens people cheer clap drums beat Let's occupy Chara says we fill Shalala's office the secretary leaves her desk goes into a room a woman I don't know with bushy brown hair tries to open the door the secretary ran through Locked she slaps her thigh Hush someone says then someone says Shhh then everyone says Shhh no more drums just 40 people saying Shhh we sit down slowly until we're on our knees then our butts then slap the floor with our palms Shhh pad pad pad Shhh pad pad pad someone starts saying We have demands we want to see Shalala Shalala Shalalathen everyone starts saying We have demands we want to see Shalala Shalala Shalala pad pad pad We have demands we want to see Shalala Shalala Shalala pad pad pad Dana stands up in the middle pulls a piece of paper out of her back pocket unfolds it says We the women and men against sexism racism and homophobia on the University of Wisconsin campus demand that Playboy be taken off the unions' shelves and out of the libraries we also demand that the university take steps so that Playboy staff cannot recruit on campus furthermore we demand to meet with Chancellor Donna Shalala someone yells She's a sell out dyke Dana looks up then continues We demand to meet with Chancellor Donna Shalala about the skyrocketing rate of campus assaults and rapes and her treacherous decision to cut funding to Women's Transit I think about what happened on the beach rock back on my heels stand up Yeah I shout raise my fist Stop rape now Shah lay la Shah lay la Shah lay la pad pad pad Dana looks at me smiles Chara stands up steps over to Dana grabs her waist then her head I see her white fingers in Dana's dark hair they kiss right there in the Chancellor's office in the middle of forty people Dana and Chara kiss then other women jump up kiss each other drums beating palms pad pad padding the floor people chanting Donna Donna come out of the closet I rock back on my heels think I know who I am
I run up the first part of the stairs as fast as I can the dealer who raped me might be able to see me from the Rathskellar Irene says it's important for me to go to the union to not let the dealer take it away from me but I still run by the Rathskellar I stop at the first landing slip my backpack over both shoulders and run up the rest like the woman with the short hair I want to follow her want to be her friend doubt she would think the stupid boy bands were cool I push open the door to room 402 stop like someone smacked me the woman with short hair is sitting at a table I walk in I am nervous don't know any of these people or what they do Irene said I should check out a campus group that organizes against rape Hey I say slip my backpack off one shoulder the woman looks into my eyes smiles Hi she says puts down a piece of paperare you here for the anti-rape task force meeting Yeah I say frog in my throat I sound like an adolescent boy My name's Chara she stands holds out her hand Thanks I say I mean hi I shake her hand Sit down she says the rest of the women will be here in a few minutes I let the backpack fall onto the floor sit down in a metal chair Here's a flyer about our latest protest Chara says slides a piece of paper to me her voice flows like water running down a sink smooth like it knows exactly where it's going Do you have a name she says No I say surprised to hear myself say no what an idiot! of course I have a name but she doesn't say anything just nods her head waits for me to finish reading the flyer
Say No to Playboy in the union and at the libraries! Say No to sex discrimination on campus Join the Anti-Rape Task Force for a sit in at Chancellor Shalala's office Tuesday September 11 noon I put the paper down look at Chara What do you think she says the door opens three women in jeans and t-shirts walk in yelling at each other Chara can you believe her one of them says points her finger at another one she is so full of shit the other woman pushes the woman talking they laugh sit down around the table I never said that That's exactly what you said and don't try to get out of it I listen to them feel like I like them they remind me of the girls I used to play sports with in high school loud and obnoxious Chara says I don't get in the middle of their quarrels they're fraternal triplets Uh huh I say We have a new member Chara says Yeah the other women say one of them pounds on the table
more women walk in the door short hair shoulder length curly hair shiny round faces sit down talk to each other complain about professors the BGH level in the ice cream sold on campus the progressive student organization's sexism the chancellor who is a sell out ROTC on campus Playboy's campus tour the proposal for a new fraternity I don't know what they're talking about I feel stupid and afraid wish I hadn't come don't know what any of this has to do with me getting raped on the beach by that drug dealer All right Chara says slams her palm on the table time for the meeting to come to order everyone quiets down except for two of the triplets Natalie and Jessica please Chara says Sorry Right sorry they say one of them pushes the other one she laughs then they both laugh Chara rolls her eyes Dana isn't here but we have to start without her Oh why one of the triplets says laughs Geez someone else says enough already the door opens everyone turns a tall dark complected white woman with long dark hair walks in wavesHeya sorry I'm late she says I freeze for a second think it's Patty my best friend from junior high who disappeared somehow here at school Dana someone says it's not Patty Heya Dana smiles waves again sits down next to me nods at Chara All right Chara says down to business first fundraising then the play then anti-sexual assault awareness week activities then our sit in at the chancellor's office YeahDana says makes a fist the sit in I can't wait for that
2 4 6 8
who do we want to berate Dana says under her breath laughs shakes a poster in the air yells impeach Shah lay la cameras snap pictures of her standing on the steps of Bascom Hall Yeah she makes a fist her long hair bounces around her shoulders she is beautiful the entire crowd yells Playboy off campus now! drums bang cops stand on either side of the crowd mostly women some men yelling fists in the air chantingNo more rape rags! one of the triplets told me how Playboy encourages rape and incest and wife beating I start to yell too shake my fist Playboy off campus now! Refund Women's Transit! one of the other women told me how Donna Shalala the Chancellor cut funding for Women's Transit because she said it discriminated against men Shah lay la's a sell out! I hear my own voice toads fling out my mouth hop down the steps around the people jump across Bascom Hill toward the lake the drums get louder people start screaming all the TV stations are here Dana steps up on a silver railing yells over the top of everyone Time to take over her office the drums bang Dana marches up the stairs we follow her two cops stand in front of the door their arms crossed over their chests Dana doesn't pause walks between them opens the double door we follow chanting shouting yelling beating drums I feel strong I watch Dana shouting fists in the air she's how I imagine Patty would be I want to be like her we march up the stairs people in the hall look surprised get out of our way Dana stops at a door bangs on it tries to open it It's locked she yells kicks at the doors turns to one of the triplets says something the triplet runs away Sha lay lay off campus now we chant Dana pounds on the door it opens people cheer clap drums beat Let's occupy Chara says we fill Shalala's office the secretary leaves her desk goes into a room a woman I don't know with bushy brown hair tries to open the door the secretary ran through Locked she slaps her thigh Hush someone says then someone says Shhh then everyone says Shhh no more drums just 40 people saying Shhh we sit down slowly until we're on our knees then our butts then slap the floor with our palms Shhh pad pad pad Shhh pad pad pad someone starts saying We have demands we want to see Shalala Shalala Shalalathen everyone starts saying We have demands we want to see Shalala Shalala Shalala pad pad pad We have demands we want to see Shalala Shalala Shalala pad pad pad Dana stands up in the middle pulls a piece of paper out of her back pocket unfolds it says We the women and men against sexism racism and homophobia on the University of Wisconsin campus demand that Playboy be taken off the unions' shelves and out of the libraries we also demand that the university take steps so that Playboy staff cannot recruit on campus furthermore we demand to meet with Chancellor Donna Shalala someone yells She's a sell out dyke Dana looks up then continues We demand to meet with Chancellor Donna Shalala about the skyrocketing rate of campus assaults and rapes and her treacherous decision to cut funding to Women's Transit I think about what happened on the beach rock back on my heels stand up Yeah I shout raise my fist Stop rape now Shah lay la Shah lay la Shah lay la pad pad pad Dana looks at me smiles Chara stands up steps over to Dana grabs her waist then her head I see her white fingers in Dana's dark hair they kiss right there in the Chancellor's office in the middle of forty people Dana and Chara kiss then other women jump up kiss each other drums beating palms pad pad padding the floor people chanting Donna Donna come out of the closet I rock back on my heels think I know who I am
Working Notes
This is an excerpt from my novel, Nickels. It is a work of fiction loosely based upon my time as an undergraduate student at the University of Wisconsin at Madison where I attended in the late 80s and early 90s. I "officially" came out at twenty-one while I was an undergraduate, but I'd known I was a lesbian since I was four-years-old (although, of course, I did not have a name for it).
I did not see any representation of myself as a lesbian in the world around me other than Martina Navratilova, who was not out when I was young. But as I sat raptly in front of the TV watching her volleys, I knew she was what I was. As a girl having the kind of media attention around lesbians that exists now would have helped me more than I can express. It would have saved me from much heartache and it would have lessened my internalized homophobia. Even if it had been someone like Ellen, who is not exactly radical, her existence as an out dyke in the world would have given me a role model, a place to be versus the tremendous isolation I experienced.
My mother, in particular, was very homophobic and she constantly monitored and harassed me. "Be more feminine" was her motto but underlying that we both knew what she was saying: "Being a dyke is monstrous. Being a dyke is unnatural." Indeed, when I finally officially came out to her, she told me that one of my aunts had recently come out and she would no longer be allowed to attend family functions because she was not allowed around my cousins, who were children at the time. Her point was that lesbians abuse girl children. Shortly after that I left my family. There was a tremendous amount of abuse in my family, and that was one reason why I left, but I would have cut off contact anyway because of what my family believed about me, and my aunt, and all lesbians.
When I first came out at twenty-one I became involved in radical anti-rape and other social justice issues work on and off campus. Most of the other women doing anti-rape work were lesbian or bisexual, but none were out beyond their friends and family. One of the lesbians was actually the President of the Student Body. She was not out to her family, many of her friends, or the Vice President of the Student Body.
When I found these women, I was thrilled. It is easy for me to remember the excitement, promise, and hope I felt when I came out and met all these lesbians doing radical, anti-rape work. Yet, at the time, and during the twenty some years since then, I have felt split in half. I have experienced a deep political schism in political work that forces me to do work against queer (read mostly gay men) oppression over there, and work against sexual violence (read straight women) over here. But I have not found a space or created a space where the two exist together, so that sexual violence against lesbians is fluid with the anti-rape movement. As an undergraduate I found it curious that so many lesbians were doing so much social justice work without being out or addressing issues specific to lesbians. Then I moved from curiosity to acceptance: in order to best serve anti-rape work lesbians remain publicly closeted. I did not like the terms, but I rarely challenged them as I desperately needed a place to belong and I needed to work against rape to survive my own past.
Recently, I was at an anti-rape meeting in St. Paul, and as I looked around he room I realized just about every woman at the table was a lesbian, yet none of us talked about being a lesbian or brought up any connections between lesbians and sexual violence (sexual violence committed within the lesbian community or sexual violence perpetrated by men against us because we are women or sexual violence being committed against us because we are lesbians). Sitting at that table made me sick, as I assessed the trade-off lesbians are expected to make in order to work in or be leaders in the anti-rape field. It forced me to confront how I have hid my sexuality in some ways throughout the years, often feeling pressured to do so, for the sake of the movement. I have done virtually no community work since that meeting. I cannot live with that trade- off anymore.
This piece is a fictive work about a group of students who do what I have not experienced: mix anti-rape work with being out as lesbians. However, it is also based upon a situation that occurred when I was an undergraduate when a closeted chancellor at the University of Wisconsin cut funding for an anti-rape university transit program. It was my first lesson that while lesbianism has the potential to be radical and transformative, and often is, not all lesbians are. Some of them even do things that hurt women.
When I heard what the chancellor did, I was astonished that a lesbian would cut the funding for a rape prevention project. The reason given to me was that she felt it was discriminatory because it only gave rides to women. I felt aggrieved for the women who would suffer because of the chancellor's decision and I felt personally betrayed. I want to envision a life that is different from that. I want to create a way of living that does not negate me as a lesbian, and as a survivor of rape, and as a survivor of rape for being a lesbian. I hope this piece adds to a vision of lesbians supporting each other, of lesbians being out and proud and not sold out or selling out in the anti-rape movement, the broader GLBT movement, and the world at large.
I did not see any representation of myself as a lesbian in the world around me other than Martina Navratilova, who was not out when I was young. But as I sat raptly in front of the TV watching her volleys, I knew she was what I was. As a girl having the kind of media attention around lesbians that exists now would have helped me more than I can express. It would have saved me from much heartache and it would have lessened my internalized homophobia. Even if it had been someone like Ellen, who is not exactly radical, her existence as an out dyke in the world would have given me a role model, a place to be versus the tremendous isolation I experienced.
My mother, in particular, was very homophobic and she constantly monitored and harassed me. "Be more feminine" was her motto but underlying that we both knew what she was saying: "Being a dyke is monstrous. Being a dyke is unnatural." Indeed, when I finally officially came out to her, she told me that one of my aunts had recently come out and she would no longer be allowed to attend family functions because she was not allowed around my cousins, who were children at the time. Her point was that lesbians abuse girl children. Shortly after that I left my family. There was a tremendous amount of abuse in my family, and that was one reason why I left, but I would have cut off contact anyway because of what my family believed about me, and my aunt, and all lesbians.
When I first came out at twenty-one I became involved in radical anti-rape and other social justice issues work on and off campus. Most of the other women doing anti-rape work were lesbian or bisexual, but none were out beyond their friends and family. One of the lesbians was actually the President of the Student Body. She was not out to her family, many of her friends, or the Vice President of the Student Body.
When I found these women, I was thrilled. It is easy for me to remember the excitement, promise, and hope I felt when I came out and met all these lesbians doing radical, anti-rape work. Yet, at the time, and during the twenty some years since then, I have felt split in half. I have experienced a deep political schism in political work that forces me to do work against queer (read mostly gay men) oppression over there, and work against sexual violence (read straight women) over here. But I have not found a space or created a space where the two exist together, so that sexual violence against lesbians is fluid with the anti-rape movement. As an undergraduate I found it curious that so many lesbians were doing so much social justice work without being out or addressing issues specific to lesbians. Then I moved from curiosity to acceptance: in order to best serve anti-rape work lesbians remain publicly closeted. I did not like the terms, but I rarely challenged them as I desperately needed a place to belong and I needed to work against rape to survive my own past.
Recently, I was at an anti-rape meeting in St. Paul, and as I looked around he room I realized just about every woman at the table was a lesbian, yet none of us talked about being a lesbian or brought up any connections between lesbians and sexual violence (sexual violence committed within the lesbian community or sexual violence perpetrated by men against us because we are women or sexual violence being committed against us because we are lesbians). Sitting at that table made me sick, as I assessed the trade-off lesbians are expected to make in order to work in or be leaders in the anti-rape field. It forced me to confront how I have hid my sexuality in some ways throughout the years, often feeling pressured to do so, for the sake of the movement. I have done virtually no community work since that meeting. I cannot live with that trade- off anymore.
This piece is a fictive work about a group of students who do what I have not experienced: mix anti-rape work with being out as lesbians. However, it is also based upon a situation that occurred when I was an undergraduate when a closeted chancellor at the University of Wisconsin cut funding for an anti-rape university transit program. It was my first lesson that while lesbianism has the potential to be radical and transformative, and often is, not all lesbians are. Some of them even do things that hurt women.
When I heard what the chancellor did, I was astonished that a lesbian would cut the funding for a rape prevention project. The reason given to me was that she felt it was discriminatory because it only gave rides to women. I felt aggrieved for the women who would suffer because of the chancellor's decision and I felt personally betrayed. I want to envision a life that is different from that. I want to create a way of living that does not negate me as a lesbian, and as a survivor of rape, and as a survivor of rape for being a lesbian. I hope this piece adds to a vision of lesbians supporting each other, of lesbians being out and proud and not sold out or selling out in the anti-rape movement, the broader GLBT movement, and the world at large.
About the author
Christine Stark is an award-winning writer and visual artist of European and American Indian ancestry whose work has been published in numerous periodicals and anthologies, including Trivia: Voices of Feminism; The Florida Review; Feminist Studies; Poetry Motel; Hawk and Handsaw: the Journal of Creative Sustainability; Birthed From Scorched Hearts; To Plead Our Own Cause: Narratives of Modern Slavery; and Primavera. She is a co-editor of Not for Sale, an international anthology on sexual violence. She is a 2009 Pushcart Prize nominee and a 2010 Loft Mentorship winner. Her poem, "Momma's Song," will be released as a CD in collaboration with musician Fred Ho in 2011 and her novel, Nickels, will be published by Modern History Press in 2011. Christine teaches writing at Metropolitan State University.
For an updated list of works published in TRIVIA, please see this author's contributor page.
For an updated list of works published in TRIVIA, please see this author's contributor page.